Abuse and Identity attack
HEALINGIDENTITY ATTACK
Pooja Mithra Kanth
8/17/20265 min read
When Abuse Attacks Your Identity: Breaking Free From the Approval Loop
Abuse doesn't always begin with shouting, threats, or obvious cruelty.
Sometimes, it begins quietly—with criticism disguised as concern, subtle insults, manipulation, emotional withdrawal, or constant questioning of your choices.
Over time, something deeper can happen.
You begin to question yourself.
You start wondering whether you're too sensitive, too emotional, too demanding, too difficult, or simply not good enough.
This is one of the most damaging effects of emotional abuse: it doesn't just hurt your feelings; it can gradually attack your identity.
How Abusive People Attack Your Identity
An abusive person may repeatedly undermine the way you see yourself.
They may criticize your personality:
"You're impossible to deal with."
They may dismiss your emotions:
"You're too sensitive."
They may question your memory:
"That never happened. You're imagining things."
They may undermine your abilities:
"You can't make decisions without me."
They may attack your relationships:
"Your friends don't really care about you."
They may make you feel guilty for having boundaries:
"If you loved me, you wouldn't say no."
When these messages are repeated often enough, you may eventually start believing them.
You stop asking, "Why are they treating me this way?"
Instead, you start asking:
"What is wrong with me?"
And that's where the approval loop begins.
The Abusive Approval Loop
After being hurt, you may desperately seek reassurance.
You apologise even when you aren't responsible.
You explain yourself repeatedly.
You change your behaviour.
You try harder.
You become more accommodating.
And when the person finally becomes loving again, you feel relieved.
That relief can make you believe:
"Maybe things are finally getting better."
But if the underlying behaviour doesn't change, the cycle eventually begins again.
The problem is that you're no longer simply seeking love.
You're seeking relief from the person who caused the pain.
Why Their Approval Can Become Addictive
When someone's affection is inconsistent, their approval can become disproportionately important.
One day they may make you feel loved and valued.
The next day, they may ignore you, criticise you, manipulate you, or withdraw affection.
You begin chasing the good version of the relationship.
You may think:
"If I say the right thing..."
"If I become more understanding..."
"If I stop arguing..."
"If I change myself..."
"Maybe they'll love me the way they used to."
But healthy love shouldn't require you to continuously shrink yourself to maintain someone's affection.
Respect shouldn't be a reward for perfect behaviour.
The Moment You Start Losing Yourself
One of the clearest signs that you've entered an approval loop is when you become more focused on managing someone's reaction than listening to your own feelings.
Before making a decision, you think:
"How will they react?"
Before expressing an opinion:
"Will they get angry?"
Before setting a boundary:
"Will they leave me?"
Before saying no:
"Will they think I'm selfish?"
Slowly, your life becomes organised around avoiding their displeasure.
You aren't living from your values anymore.
You're living from their reactions.
How to Break Free From the Approval Loop
1. Stop Making Their Opinion Your Identity
Someone's criticism is not automatically the truth.
If someone repeatedly calls you selfish, difficult, dramatic, or incapable, pause before accepting their description of you.
Ask yourself:
"Is this genuinely who I am, or is this how someone has trained me to see myself?"
Your identity should be based on your values, choices, character, and actions—not another person's constant criticism.
2. Learn to Separate Guilt From Responsibility
Feeling guilty doesn't always mean you've done something wrong.
Sometimes guilt appears simply because you've stopped doing what someone expects from you.
Ask:
"Did I actually hurt someone, or am I simply uncomfortable because they are unhappy with my boundary?"
That distinction can be incredibly freeing.
3. Stop Over-Explaining Yourself
You don't need to write an essay to justify every boundary.
"I don't want to discuss this right now."
"I'm not comfortable with that."
"I've decided not to do this."
"I won't continue this conversation if I'm being insulted."
A healthy person may disagree with your boundary.
An abusive person may try to make you feel guilty for having one.
Their reaction doesn't determine whether your boundary is valid.
4. Rebuild Your Relationship With Yourself
Ask yourself:
Who was I before I started constantly worrying about someone's approval?
What did you enjoy?
What were your dreams?
What made you laugh?
What did you believe?
What qualities did you once appreciate about yourself?
Start reconnecting with those parts of you.
Healing isn't always about becoming someone new.
Sometimes, it's about coming home to yourself.
5. Allow People to Disapprove of You
This is one of the hardest lessons after emotional manipulation.
You have to learn that someone's disappointment isn't an emergency.
Someone can be angry with you.
Someone can misunderstand you.
Someone can disagree with you.
Someone can even walk away.
And you can still be okay.
You don't have to betray yourself to prevent someone else from being unhappy.
6. Build a Life Outside the Relationship
Reconnect with friends and family.
Develop your career.
Pursue hobbies.
Learn something new.
Exercise.
Create.
Travel.
Set personal goals.
The more meaningful your life becomes outside one relationship, the less dependent your identity becomes on one person's approval.
7. Trust Patterns More Than Promises
Apologies can be meaningful, but lasting change is demonstrated through consistent behaviour.
Don't judge a relationship only by its best moments.
Look at the pattern.
Does the person take accountability?
Do they respect boundaries?
Do they change their behaviour?
Can you express yourself without fear?
Do you feel safe being yourself?
A relationship should not require you to constantly survive the same problem and then celebrate temporary apologies.
You Can Love Someone Without Losing Yourself
One of the hardest truths to accept is that you can love someone and still recognise that the relationship is unhealthy.
You can miss someone and still choose distance.
You can forgive someone and still maintain boundaries.
You can remember beautiful moments without pretending the painful ones didn't happen.
And you can care about someone without giving them unlimited access to you.
Love should add to your identity—not erase it.
Your Approval Matters Too
Perhaps the most important step in breaking the approval loop is learning to seek your own approval again.
Instead of asking:
"Do they think I'm good enough?"
Ask:
"Do I respect the way I'm treating myself?"
Instead of:
"Are they happy with me?"
Ask:
"Am I living according to my values?"
Instead of:
"How can I make them stay?"
Ask:
"Is this relationship healthy enough for me to stay?"
That's when the power begins to shift.
Because healing isn't about convincing an abusive person that you're worthy.
It's about no longer needing them to confirm your worth.
You were not created to spend your life proving that you're lovable.
You don't have to become smaller to keep someone comfortable.
You don't have to silence yourself to maintain peace.
And you don't have to earn basic respect.
Your identity belongs to you.
And sometimes the most powerful act of healing is simply looking in the mirror and saying:
"I believe myself. I trust myself. I choose myself."
That is where the approval loop begins to end.