How to Feel Empathy for Someone Who Hurt You—Without Excusing Their Behaviour
Pooja Mithra Kanth
7/30/20262 min read
Empathy
One of the most difficult parts of healing is reaching a place where you no longer see the person who hurt you as either a monster or a hero.
You begin to see them as a human being.
A human being capable of making harmful choices.
Empathy begins there.
Not with forgetting what happened.
Not with pretending it didn't matter.
But with recognizing that human beings are often more complicated than the worst thing they have done.
Empathy Is Not the Same as Excusing
Many people avoid empathy because they fear it means saying:
"What they did was okay."
It doesn't.
Empathy says:
"I can understand that your experiences, fears, or limitations may have influenced your behaviour."
Accountability says:
"You are still responsible for the choices you made."
Both statements can be true at the same time.
Hurt People Sometimes Hurt People
Some people grow up in homes where criticism replaces encouragement.
Others learn that control is safer than vulnerability.
Some never develop healthy ways to handle shame, anger, or insecurity.
These experiences can help explain harmful behaviour.
But they do not make that behaviour acceptable.
Understanding the roots of harm is different from removing responsibility for it.
Empathy Protects You From Bitterness
Holding onto hatred can keep you emotionally connected to the person who hurt you.
Empathy doesn't erase the past.
It changes your relationship with it.
Instead of thinking:
"They were pure evil."
You may eventually think:
"They made choices that caused real harm. I understand they may have had their own struggles, but I will not carry their choices for the rest of my life."
That shift is often more about your freedom than theirs.
Keep Your Boundaries
Empathy does not require reconciliation.
You can wish someone healing and still decide they are not safe for your life.
You can understand someone's pain without volunteering to experience more of it.
Compassion without boundaries becomes self-sacrifice.
Healthy empathy includes self-respect.
Don't Rush It
If your wounds are still fresh, empathy may feel impossible.
That doesn't mean you're failing.
Healing often follows a path:
First, you acknowledge the harm.
Then, you grieve.
Then, you rebuild yourself.
Only much later, if it feels right, you may find space to see the other person's humanity.
There is no deadline.
Direct Empathy Toward Yourself Too
Sometimes we become so focused on understanding the person who hurt us that we forget to understand ourselves.
Offer yourself the same compassion.
Recognize the courage it took to survive.
The strength it took to rebuild.
The wisdom you gained along the way.
You deserve empathy too.
Final Thought
The highest form of healing is not becoming someone who hates forever.
Nor is it becoming someone who tolerates repeated harm.
It is becoming someone who can hold two truths at once:
"I understand that your pain may have shaped you."
"And I will never allow your pain to become an excuse for hurting me again."
That is empathy with wisdom.
That is compassion with boundaries.
And that is how you protect your heart without hardening it.